No one ever said that going through chemo, radiation, surgery after surgery and still maintaining a life would be easy. No one ever said that one day I’d just wake up and have my memory and motivation back. So why am I beating myself up? Why when I roll out of bed in the mornings, 45-60 mins later then what I planned, do I chew myself out for still being tired? I tell myself “it’s not like you’re not sleeping so what the hell? We have a life to attend too!”
I have a life. Mostly a busy one…
If I’ve said “I have a life” once during this process I’ve said it a million times. And it’s true. I have a career, family, friends, volunteer work and a whole side biz I’m trying to grow. Not to mention this blog which gets neglected far more then I’d like. On top of that my hubby has baseball games, both coaching and his adult league, that I feel guilty about not attending.
But I’m sooooooo tired…
I’ve been tired before but this is different. Coming home and going to sleep at 5pm is not really an option and even if it was I would still wake up the next day feeling tired. It’s not even that my brain is tired, oh no far from it, it’s my body! It’s a weird tired, one that causes me to have more frustration then I can even explain. I complain, I stomp my feet and I whine insistently about how tired I am to my hubby, my besties and my poor naturopath (she gets the bulk of my complaining). Seriously I’m 30 years old and I’ve thrown a full blown three-nager type tantrum because I’m so tired. I have lost almost all of my motivation and drive, which in turn pisses me off.
I know what you are all saying and my rational brain, when engaged, knows that it’s true. I’m healing. In the span of 2 years I’ve been poisoned by chemo, put under general anesthesia 4 times, basically been cut in half, radiated M-F for 5 weeks, parented a toddler, moved into our first home, worked over full time, done 1 year of infusions and am currently poisoning my body with multiple cancer drugs. So yes rationally I know I should be tired. That’s a lot for one body to handle, however, I feel like the time its taking to heal and get back my energy is far longer than expected and to be honest my passion, drive and career are suffering.
The common “healing” period for most surgeries is roughly 6-8 weeks. During that time the body is focusing all its energy on repairing the damage that was done by the surgery itself. Not to mention the work your liver is doing to help flush out all the medications and anesthesia from your body. I was only 20 weeks out from my DIEP Flap Reconstruction, which is an extremely intense and invasive surgery, when I went in for my reconstruction clean up and full hysterectomy. So yes my body has a lot of healing still to accomplish and my liver is working double time dealing with the surgical anesthesia as well as the cancer drugs I take daily.
If you are dealing with fatigue, cancer/surgery or life related, here is a small list of things that help me when my fatigue gets out of control (none of these apps or companies paid me for this, I just really love them):
- RelaxMelodies app – this is great for meditation which really helps reset my body mid-day, my favorite is to put on ocean and birds chirping to help wake up my mind
- Untire app – this is another great app for helping you to track your physical activity and mental clarity goals – there is a free version but you’ll have to pay for the full version
- Essentia Water – between the clean taste and the PH benefits I can’t get enough of this water and I normally stock up on the big bottles at Target or my local grocery store
- Acupuncture – this shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone that knows me because I routinely talk about how great this has been for my healing process. Afraid of needles? There’s non-needle acupressure treatments as well so no excuses!
I don’t have any idea how long it’ll take my body to recover, it could be another year before I see any changes, and if you are in my life just know I’m doing my best.
I have big dreams and big goals but right now I’m also tired.